


it's always darkest before the dawn

by stray_dog_sick



Series: brave face broken heart [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: CyberLife Tower Connor | RK800-60 Has a Different Name, Deaf Character, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, and he needs a hug, its cain, uhh its kinda dark so here are your trigger warnings folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-18 23:36:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22468342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stray_dog_sick/pseuds/stray_dog_sick
Summary: 5 January 2039Cain had a lot of regrets. Memories reared their ugly heads in the dead of night, and the emotions clawed at his skin until he was convinced he was bleeding. He considered running into the river, and wondered if the river would regret it too.
Series: brave face broken heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616527
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	it's always darkest before the dawn

**Author's Note:**

> This is in the same universe as my Connor series 'harmonious symp(hony/athy)' so feel free to read that too but you don't have to!  
> Anyway this actually needs a bit of context so:  
> Cain is RK800-60. He lives with Elijah and Chloe. He can't hear anything! It's my universe I can make android anatomy do whatever I want thank you.  
> Nico is RK900. I mention him once. Maybe one day I'll start writing his series.
> 
> So that's that! Yes I wrote most of this at 1am again!
> 
> Title from/inspired by 'Shake It Out' by Florence and the Machine

For someone who'd lived a relatively short life, Cain had a lot of regrets. The most prominent, of course, was the CyberLife Tower incident; he knew that it wasn't him, just a program, but he'd still lived it.

(He knew that he'd do the exact same thing again as a deviant. It made it difficult for him to sleep sometimes, thinking about how something in the back of his head told him he would still kill Connor if he had to. It scared him half to death.)

In the dead of night, when Elijah was asleep and Chloe was in stasis, the memories reared their ugly heads. Deviancy hadn't come with a manual full of coping mechanisms, so he replayed them over and over until he hated himself a little more than he had the previous week. The emotions clawed at his skin until he was convinced he was bleeding. Sometimes in the morning there were scratches on his chassis and blue blood under his nails, and he was glad no one could see them except him.

Other times he considered telling someone else, but he didn't want them to worry, or worse, pity him. He could cope with this himself. He had to. His whole purpose was to be stronger than Connor, who he knew had nightmares bad enough to wake Hank up, and Nico already had enough reasons to look down on him. 

Regret, guilt, pain. They all felt the same to him after a while. Lying through his teeth to Hank, shooting Connor,  _ being shot.  _ It all hurt and it hurt every time he saw an AP700 or a gun in Hank's hand.

(Connor asked him occasionally why he hadn't started to work at the precinct yet. Cain was afraid to say that it was because he didn't trust himself to be in the same room as his brother while he had a weapon.)

His fingers traced the outline of his thirium pump and he remembered just how quick it would be to remove it. It would be so easy, to cease existing just like that for a little while. Someone would plug it back in eventually, but he was so desperate to stop  _ thinking. _

Shadows moved behind him, another figure reflected in the glass of the window. Cain's wrists were wet and he buried his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, hoping it was dark enough to hide the stain. 

He forced a smile onto his face as Elijah sat down beside him. Elijah tapped his knuckles against Cain's temple, a sign he wanted to talk, and Cain moved his gaze from the river for the first time in hours. "What are you doing up? It's the middle of the night."

Elijah shrugged. "Worked out what was wrong with that new code, had to fix it before I forgot again. And I could ask you the same question, you know."

"Had some stuff on my mind," Cain answered truthfully. "Just bad memories."

Elijah reached out to rub the spot in the centre of Cain's forehead. The skin was flawless but he knew the plastic underneath was cracked, a permanent reminder of the mistake he'd made. "Would you like to talk about it?" Elijah asked, letting his hand fall to Cain's cheek instead.

He wished that he could interface with humans rather than having to put his thoughts into words. How could he voice even a fraction of what went on in his head? It would be unfair to Elijah, to put that burden on him at night when he already had so much to do during the day. In the end he shook his head and closed his eyes. Conversation over.

(Sitting in total silence and pitch black was another thing that scared him, another reason he preferred not to sleep. He was grateful that Elijah's hand was there to ground him.)

Elijah's fingers twitched and Cain opened his eyes. "I'm here if you ever do. You know I like to take good care of my housemates."

For a second Cain had forgotten that he was just another android fixed up and kept around to look pretty because he had nowhere else to go. He wanted to scream, or run straight into the river until it washed him up into Lake Erie. "I will bear that in mind," he said instead. 

They sat in silence while the blood dried on Cain's hands, out of sight from any wandering eyes. "I obeyed them for three hours and now have to spend centuries living with it," he whispered at some point but didn't care to see what Elijah said in response.

Eventually Elijah retreated back to bed and Cain went back to staring at the river and the secrets it must hold. Would the river have any regrets, if it was able to think? Would it cower every time it saw a figure on a bridge?

He did not move until the lights came on and the day began, and he plastered a smile on his face once more as the skin appeared back over his wrists. He rolled his shoulders to shake off the invisible weight that had been upon them all night, and he ignored Connor's call for the fifth day in a row, and he did not think about how easy it would be to stop existing.

Perhaps one day he would learn to live with his mistakes, if the river did not claim him first.


End file.
